The girl I would have married

One of the beneficial things of being a Mormon boy was knowing, with out a doubt, where my life was heading and where I would end up. I knew that I'd do a year of school, go on a mission ,come back, date the girl I knew I would marry and move forward on my happy little path. I even knew the girl I was going to marry. It was all planned, lined up and ready to roll. I would graduate college, find a job at a Mormon dominated business and propel myself forward so fast that no one would know what hit them. When I left the church that plan shattered. I was left with no concise actions to push things ahead at a break neck pace.

Now I question whether I want to get married or have children, but there is one thing that I have come to terms with. The girl I was going to marry truly was a gem. She's smart, intelligent, beautiful and witty. Like me, she has her own qualms in life, her own issues, and her own way of viewing things. I want to thank her, for the amazing influence she has been and continues to be in my life. I know now that we would never be happy together in a marriage, too many conflicting beliefs, different priorities, and contradicting views of the word we live in. It is with this knowledge that I find true happiness in seeing her move forward, progressing on her own course. Fighting against certain social pressures that she has to deal with. Maintaining  her own beliefs withing the church she is a part of. The dream I once had is dead, not necessarily a bad thing, but it is gone. It will never be rekindled, it will never feel me with the fire it once did. In place new dreams have emerged, new hopes and desires. stronger and more passionately than before because these dreams are built upon my own thoughts and beliefs. But seeing her, talking to her, and keeping tabs on her has made me realize that there are parts of my past that I no longer have to keep pushed away in order to maintain my new hopes and desires.

I suppose I want to say thank you. I want to tell you that I will always love you. I will always care about you. I will always have your back. The day you get married I will be there, because I know that that marriage could have been us. I wont be there in sadness, but instead in joy, because I know you will find the right guy. I'll make sure he understands how lucky he is. I want to thank you once again for showing me that it's not all bad, that there were parts that I can embrace and hold close to me once again. I wish you the best, and I'm confident you will find it.