Have you ever had the feeling

that your world was about to crumble?

It seems as though my life has always lead to this point. the do or die, make or break, fight or flight, situations that have at times destroyed me and at times made me. I find myself once again sitting at this juncture. This time I'm fully accountable for the situations that transpired to put me here. Bad luck coupled with bad decisions and unfortunate outcomes has me grasping at straws to hold on. This time it's different though, this time I can identify the causes of my current situation. It's a strange combination of a shitty childhood, a destroyed and somewhat rebuilt social structure, and a new awakening. A strange realization that I have in essence lived different lives in my short 21 year time-span on this Earth. Through it all I have only had one thing, and that is me. The ONLY thing that I have been able to count on is myself, and many times I've let me down.

This time things are different, it seems as though I've successfully left my adolescent overwhelming need for approval and acceptance behind. I no longer feel as though I will violate my own morals and standards to belong with a group of people. My entire life has been one fight after another, I've lived in terrible poverty. I've lost everything I hold dear on more than one occasion. I've seen my own family shattered and rebuilt to only shatter again. I've been ostracized for holding different beliefs than most and then ostracized  by the people that I shared those beliefs with when I began to question them. I've experienced more in the past 3 years than I ever knew was possible. I've fallen in love to have my heart crushed, I've fought the law and lost. I saw firsthand some of the darkest parts of our society. I've slept in a tent with people that are homeless and seen the world through their eyes. I've pursued the girl of my dreams to only find heartache. I've had my words twisted and my ability questioned. I've been told I'm an inspiration and a self important asshole in the same day. I've truly gained a knowledge of what makes people do what they do. I've spent a Christmas in jail and I will unfortunately spend New Years in work release once again. I've given it my all only to have it all fall apart. Yet I keep going. Instead of feeling all is lost I see this as a point of change. If my world does indeed crumble I just pick myself up and start again.

I guess the point of this is mostly to console myself. It worked, because what I've written is true. No matter what happens I will still have myself, and with that I can progress.