i don't quite know how to explain it. it may be that i'm ready. it is certainly not apathy. it may be my inner self preparing for some tremendous battle that is sure to come. it may be that i have finally come to terms with ...me.... i'm not quite sure. it may be a general understanding from within, that although i did not take the path that i was told to take, i have ended up somewhere that is truly great. i find myself at a crossroads. rather than angst and uncertainty, i see a beautiful set of options. i no longer feel that i need to pursue great wealth, fame or success to be happy. instead i can live life and enjoy the beauty in simply living. the uncertainty is no longer something i fear.
i know that the time for me to show the world who i am is near. i can feel it coming. i can feel the ripples of actions in my past pushing me forward. speeding up. like riding a wave. where it will take me i do not know. i do not care. i know that because of this sudden calm and strength that every thing i have ever dreamed is possible. i also know that many of these dreams were flawed. selfish. greedy. impure. i now have new dreams.i have found them in solitude. i have shed the loneliness. i have found me. in my past when i was lonely i would turn to anything to escape. seventy hour work weeks. a case of beer or a bottle of booze. a new relationship with someone that really didn't care. this time however-- i embraced it -- i allowed it. i made no phone calls to fight it. i didn't fight to continue a bad relationship. i didn't find a new chemical addiction to numb it. i didn't self destruct. by doing so, i found me. by finding me, i found calm. the solitude, occasionally overwhelmed by painful loneliness, has conquered my biggest fears. i look at the world with a new set of eyes. i feel the warmth of tears in my eyes when i read some great act of humanity in the news. i feel at peace. i am ready.
now is the time to look ahead. i see It coming. i unaware of what It is, but i do know that It is nearing. It will will be the fight of my life. It may take my entire life to fight. It is most certainly near. It may come through occupy. It may come through work. It may come from a relationship unseen thus far. It is close. i'm ready for It. It will test me. i know not what the fight will entail. It may be a final battle against my inner demons. It may be the call for revolution. It may be simply settling down. It is going to be tough. It is going to test my fortitude. but i know It will not destroy me. i have already been destroyed. the world has hit me with all its might and lost. the world has taken everything from me. yet i stand. i stand tall. i stand strong. i stand ready.
i have found new strength that is dependent upon nothing and no one. from this strength i say bring It.whatever It may be. It cannot defeat me. It will not win. instead i will meet It with a smile. because no matter what It is, i am ready, and willing to face It. this strength is what allowed me to write this blog, my typically guarded feelings and emotions no longer need to be guarded. i suppose this is my welcome post to you. welcome to my world. my views. my fight. my certainty that evil will be destroyed by good. hate will lead to love. darkness will be followed by light. ignorance will lose to knowledge. war will fall to peace. despair will be replaced by hope. a man can live for a three day with no water. weeks with no food. but not for one second without hope. let us all dare to hope and dream for a better world. let us stand in solidarity towards a greater good. let us fight the good fight.
i know i am ready.
are You, my friend?
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